Day 36, FEAR OF DEATH….
Today i had a realization …i mean maybe not realization..,but just simply reminder of how much fear existing in me ,fear of DEATH.
I was driving from yoga in early morning ,going on highway I notice something on the fastest line ,something white …when I pass it i recognize that was a bird ,it was a seagull ,white seagull and of course was injure ….I got such a panic ,like I really want to do something ,..i decide go back again and try to help this seagull.It was little scary ,because she was just on the end of line ,and cars were going pretty fast ..it was the fastest …,line ,my advantage was time early morning Sunday …I took some box from my car and had a big towel beach ….as long as I will reach her it should be okay.During this whole process I felt this anxiety and anger to come in in me ,like anger on people ,anger on this whole situation ….I did try to call some service for wild life rescue …but this was a joke ..what they doing ,because they are close on Sunday …imagine this ….they opened like regular office hour ,so it was no way to have some help or advice …what to do ??I felt such a rush of energy that I want to safe this bird …,I am standing for life …and so on….during this I really lost a common sense ……,I felt such a energy of really not accepting the fact that this might be end for this seagull .I just could not stand this thought that this will be it…
I stop the car on side way …took the towel and box with me and was approaching towards this seagull…she or he was seating …just seating …did not had this anxiety which I had ….as soon I come close the seagull took off and flow over the bridge and end up on other side of highway,in the middle of line …and next minute ,got hit by the car …..I was mad and so sorry for this thing to happened…i was mad on this existence …and on people and me ,It took me sometimes to realize that my reaction is a fear of death ,death of everything and everyone ,I have such an anger and ego drive , of being against this part of life ,which is Death.
I see now that the fear of Death come from fear of losing things ,what I know ,losing the material things ,losing my body ,losing my mind ….but All this fear come from the mind ,because physical body really is not fearing Death ,physical body is stable ….like I saw in this seagull ,she or he was stable …,no anxiety ,no fear ,no panic ……I was the one who had inside of me this emotions and feelings!!
within this I need to take some responsibility for this,so there you go:
1.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to fear DEath ,to fear the word death ,to not accept death .
2.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to want to play the role of savior ,to want to save someone from a consequence which is death ,were this is so paranoid ,were i can not even safe me ,so why I have this idea that I can safe someone!…
3.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to be mad on existence for allowing death to exist ,were I never investigate or understood from childhood this idea of death ,but allowed the fear to exist in me .
4.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself, to always have the big emotions in minute I here the word death .
5.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself never investigate why do I experience fear of death .
6.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself be in conflict with me ,because i never accept death .
7.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to not see how I live in every day, in fear of death , and in the same time ,not live my life in full potential and expression.
8.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to not see how I formed this fear of Death from childhood ,were I was witness of my beloved dog died ,by hit by the car ,and from that point create such a form of anger towards careless people ,world ,and create separation within me .
9 .I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to feel hopeless ,to feel like looser ,because i can not conquer death ,because this is something so above my point of control ,and because of this do not want to face this point within me.
10.I commit myself to accept death as a part of Life ,which is so inevitable that it will happened ,and because of this try to live every day to the full of my potential.
11.I commit myself to stop the fear of Death ,and not being directed by this fear every moment of my life .
12.I commit myself to breath ,to move with awareness of breath in every day of my life.
thank You for reading!!
